Stuck

I'm not going to lie. I've been stuck. I've been caught up in this idea of what I want to do and how I want to achieve it and hoe I'm going to make it happen, that I've forgotten to use the one great tool I have at my disposal. This will be a slight deviation from the traveling, but bate with me because it's all a part of the same journey.

When I lost my job almost a year ago, I felt adrift. I had never had so much time to think about what I actually wanted to do with my life. I knew I loved literature and writing, and no matter what path I took that would somehow be my endgame. Somewhere along the way I got sucked into the job I had and moving up the corporate ladder. (There will be much to unpack about my unhealthy habit of growing too attached and loyal to companies that don't really deserve it, when I return to therapy)

In that time, though I completed my degree and took my classes and learned about things that made me happy, it was always background noise to my job.

When I decided I would take a break from work and work on my writing, while a scary decision, I felt free from the world I had left behind. But had I waited too long? At that point I had been out of school for two and a half years and hadn't written anything in that time. And while I had two stories rattling around in my head that I was really excited about, it still slightly felt off. In the meantime I was going to Edinburgh. I was meant to have made a trip to Costa Rica with the job that no longer existed, and was gutted to have not been able to, so treated my unemployed self to a week in Scotland.

I fell in love with Edinburgh and the other places I visited on my trip, and unlike other trips I had taken in the past, I kind of winged most of my adventures on this trip. I came alive in Edinburgh and knew that while I loved the stories I had been working on up to that point, that wasn't what I wanted to write about. I wanted to explore the world and put my adventures down on paper. I think I always knew that's what I wanted to do but was too scared of the idea that no one would care enough to read about my adventures. Then realized I didn't really care if people liked it, I surely didn't get a degree in English for the money.

When I returned stateside, I decided I would have to find a job to help fund future adventures and the 40 places I needed to visit before turning 40. I applied to so many jobs, but couldn't really find one that was me. And while I did eventually find a job, I was unsatisfied. It's been four and a half months and I still find myself on online job boards looking for something better or different. I dread going to work most days and it took me quite a long time to figure out why (truly didn't realize). Working a corporate 9-5 is draining, and no longer makes me happy. But it's a double edged sword. I need the money to pay for the trips I want to take, which means I have to earn a wage somehow. But the loyalty and attachment I have felt towards other companies and jobs I've held has yet to present itself.

Is this because I now know what I want to do with myself and it's not what I'm currently doing? I hadn't posted in awhile, and for some time I hade convinced myself it was because this was a travel blog, and I'm not currently traveling. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think deep down I am upset that I am stuck. Stuck in a meaningless job, working for pennies, and unable to chart my next adventure.

But today something clicked. Still not sure what it was, but it was enough to sit me down for 15 minutes and write my thoughts down for you to enjoy. This blog isn't going to be perfect as I am not perfect, but I'm going to do what I can to make it moderately entertaining. And I hope that is enough.